Venting over some crummy days

I guess I just have to vent because I have been going through some crummy days lately. This past weekend, I felt so exhausted and fatigued it was unreal. So, I just layed low and hoped that whatever it was working on me would pass. I ended up going to work Monday and Tuesday feeling okay, until Tuesday night when I abruptly began getting a migraine. Like always, I ran for my medication (Zomig, Fiorinal and Phenergan) and decided to take it and go to bed early in hopes of conquering this one. I slept just fine, but I awoke to one of these severe migraines where you can barely lift your head off the pillow along with that projectile vomiting of just clear gushes of water. Needless to say, I had to call off work which is basically frowned on in my office. You see, I work for a small law firm and number one attorneys are rough to work for and number two I work with another woman there who is not always legitimately sick and
calls off if her fingernail is in pain. He never says a thing to her, but when I am off he gives me the silent treatment the next day or asks for a doctor's excuse. I am the one he makes an example of when I am not the problem employee and can verify that I was sick by doctor's office, ER or prescription receipts.

Anyhow, I woke up again Thursday morning still too sick to go to work. I had some vomiting, but I could tell that was starting to subside. The biggest problem was that the pain was aggravated by standing up or moving around .... even just a little bit. Laying down was the only comfortable way. I did have some Percocet from my last ER visit to take.

I am in the process of changing primary care physicians for a few reasons. First of all, he currently has three office locations and plans to close them alll come March 1st and relocate to someplace that is inconvenient to me. Oh yeah, by the way he hasn't send out any information to his patients about the change, I only found out because I had an office visit. Secondly, on my last office visit (Februray 7th) while I was having a violent migraine he totally ignored me.
Usually, you weight and blood pressure are taken on every visit, but now they don't even bother to do that. The right side of my face was visibly swollen .... almost looking like I had some allergy ..... it was from the migraine, though. He asked if I had any other medical complaints aside from the migraine and I told him about my consistent increase in weight and tiredness/fatigue despite eating a healthy diet and walking a great deal. He then decided upon that information that I was severely depressed despite the fact that at the headache clinic I was evaluated by both a psychologist and psychiatrist who told me I deal with the migraines "remarkable well" and their only finding is that I have a lot of stress in my life which I should try to elminate as much as possible.

I have another quite difficult situation to deal with as well. I have my own apartment and have my 67 year old mother staying with me. This was only to be temporary as she was very weak and recovering from double bypass surgery and a surgical repair of an umbilical hernia when she first came here. Although to look at her right now, you would think there was nothing wrong with her, but her illness is very severe and ultimately life threatening. She has severe asthma, congestive heart failure along with congestive cardiomyopathy (just like Barbara Hershey had in Beaches) with only 30% heart functioning. I have told people that and they laugh saying no one could live with 30% heart functioning, but according to her cardiologist you can go on like this until your 90's provided he can continue to keep that percentage stabilized and not get worse. Anyhow, she is quite difficult to manage more so on the psychological end of things than the physical at the moment. She laughs when I have migraines, makes fun of me vomiting and her newest thing is to mark these days on her calendar along with how many days of work I miss. She has interfered with my getting medical treatment on countless occasions by telling the physician assistant and doctor that I currently see that I must have a mental problem because she has never seen anyone act like I do with a headache and not to prescribe any more pain medicine for me. Believe it or not, I am a 34 year old woman and they believe her as she is the older sick person and seems to hold more credibilitly in their eyes. And, she doesn't even go to the same doctors I do. I called my insurance carrier (with plans to write a follow up letter) and told them what was going on with this particular practice and how they are breaching patient confidentialty. Now, I am forced to change doctors because of his relocation, but it probably will be the best thing for me. I don't want this doctor's negative notes to affect my getting treatment in the future and I plan to tell the new doctor that I do not want any of my medical information released to anyone under any circumstances without my authorization.

I can't explain to you how I feel other than extremely hurt that I would have a mother behave this way. I try to keep in the back of my mind she is not fully well and perhaps, at times, considering her medical situation she is not getting enough blook or oxygen to her head. But, the weird thing is that she seems to know what she is doing and I suppose since I am closest to the situation, I get the brunt of it. She has a visiting nurse whom I cannot talk to as she thinks my mom is sugar and spice and everything nice......my mom gave her flowers, candy and cookies for Valentines Day. The cardiologist who is also my mom's primary care doctor abruptly tells you to bring her to the office when you try to talk to him and then hangs up. She refuses to go to the office and even if she does I cannot speak confidentialitly to him. She is basically ruining my life in whatever way she can. I have a boyfriend who is extremely supportive of my migraine problem. Many a time, he has driven clear across town just to run me to the ER or to get a prescription. He cannot call me at my home as my mom makes ignorant comments and threats in the background. She has called him on the phone and made threats that he better stay away from me or else. He can no longer pull his car in front of my house as she threatens to throw a brick through his windshield. She has called him up and told him all sorts of lies about me (none of which he believes, thankfully.) I just feel very hurt that he has to put up with this, especially when he has done nothing wrong. I have also found out that other people I have dated in the past she has managed to get rid of for me (this is even when she was not living with me). My friends no longer call me as she makes rude comments in the background if I am on the phone. I have by accident found out that she has been selectively confiscating mail I get from friends. Then manages to say, so and so didn't even send you a birthday card......no one likes you.....everyone hates you....that sort of thing.
To make matters worse, she has called women I work with.....you know how they love gossip!!!! The one I work with thinks my mom is a fruit cake and just laughs. The other one keeps at me all the time saying how sad it is that I will never have children and that she had two little ones in her arms when she was my age and keeps at me as to how I should be married by now etc. So, not only do I have to deal with migraines I have to be a caregiver to a degree with someone who is highly uncooperative and a bunch of crazies at work. My mom is scared and wants me all to herself but when I am exclusively here just for her, she is rude and nasty. Don't suggest that I reassure her that she will be taken care of and loved. I tried that. She tells me I am a selfish fat bitch. Oh yes she is constantly at me about my weight as I always was 122 lbs for a woman of 5'4" and now am up to 158 lbs, but if you saw how much exercise (walking) I get and what I eat you woulldn't understand it. It has to be prior migraine medicines and/or an underlying medical problem.

What you have to understand is that I have a very strong mind (fortunately). I know none of these things are true and what she is doing (whether she knows what she is doing or has some sort of underlying psychologically problem due to her illness) is wrong. My problem is how the heck do you deal with this?? My brother stops by a couple times a week and sees only a glimmer of what I go through, but unfortunately deals with it by denying it and will not back me in
anyway. She gets out of hand and he picks up and leaves. Her doctors and nurses won't listen to me as they think she is the portrait of sweetness. I saw a psychologist for myself asking how you deal with an elderly sick person who is basically controlling, manipulative and down right nasty, abusive and rude. It was laughable. He told me to make chicken noodle soup or hot chocolate and sit her down and say, "Mother dear, why do you act the way you do?" and then I was suppose to get a tape recorder and ask her to recount her life so I could pass it along to my future children. She tells me I will never be able to have kids because I can't even endure a little migraine. She is the one with the problem, not me (only that I have to deal with it). By the way, I realize this is all added stress, but my migraines are strictly related to where I am at in my menstrual cycle. I started having them at age 24 after gallbladder surgery with the first period I had after surgery and they have been going strong even since not as a result of what I am currently going through. However, it sure doesn't help.

I strongly believe that God puts you through certain situations to make you stronger but this is a lot. The job I have at the law firm is dull and very unstimulating. I like to have something more challenging that I can really get my mind into, but I am fearful of being too busy or starting another job and having to miss as much work as I do. I am college educated. Believe me, I am thankful that I am able to go to work when I am well as several years back I had to go on to disability as a result of the migraines. How I got myself back to working was that I did a little bit more each day. I took walks as much as I could.

I am sorry this is so long but I really needed to talk to someone. I went to my gynecologist today and she prescribed Lo-Ovaral as a birth control to regulate my hormones. She said Mircette is too dangerous for migraines sufferers as it has a high risk of blood clotting due to the progestin levels. She believes me and is willling to work on the hormonal side. I also called the neurologist today and the next available appointment is in June. And, I am working of finding a new primary care doctor.

Well, I suppose I better be getting to bed so I can attempt to go to work in the morning. Thank all of you for listening. I know Aisha always ask to hear about the crap that you have to put up with when your sick. I think I wrote you a whole chapter!!!! I hope none of you think I am crazy for what I told you. I am not, but sometimes I have to wonder about the people I deal with on the outside.

Thank you for your continued support and best wishes to all of you on your current situation.

Diann

Copyright 2002